Monday, March 16, 2009

Quick Guide to Understanding This Site

"24 Hours of TV" (24HoTV) is an event that happened on two different occasions:

24HoTV 1 began on February 26, 2006
24HoTV2 began on March 14, 2009

Right now the postings are all in reverse chronological order. To get the right feel (which is to say, to watch the slow disintegration of two minds), you should scroll to the bottom and read up. (For 24HoTV1, go to the bottom and scroll up to the 00:15 listing if you want to skip the pre-amble information.)

The titles are in this format

XX:YY Channel N -- Name

The XX:YY time is the amount of time that has elapsed in front of the TV (i.e. it's not the time of the day) up to that point. The channels are all drawn at random, N is the channel number, the "name" is the closest thing we could find to an official name for the station via TV wizardry.

So 08:15 Channel 502 -- HBO2 is eight hours and fifteen minutes in to the 24 hour period. HBO2 is found on channel 502 of DirecTV.

The ordering might get changed around a bit in the future, but I haven't played around with it much in the last three years, so probably not.

curse only partially lifted?

A Second Look at the Second Time

24HoTV2 wrapped up half a day ago and I wanted to throw in some immediate comments in retrospect.

First and foremost, it's easy to forget how thrilling 24HoTV is. Over the passing of time I knew I hadn't hated it, but I forgot how much I liked it. When Special K and I did the dry run a couple of days before (all of which have been erased from the site), the very first thing we both noticed was how charged up we were to be writing the synopses again. About the closest thing I know of that gives me the same raw adrenaline jolt as 24HoTV is being dealt the first hand in a poker tournament.

We changed a few directions this time.

One was to exclude XM radio. While it's true that it's part of the TV offerings, it just doesn't seem like TV to either of us, so we dropped it. That was definitely the right decision.

The thing we did allow was "on demand" (OD) programming -- a feature that Special K didn't have before.

The OD concept is a good one, but unfortunately we were having trouble with it during 24HoTV2. You have to pick a thing to see that starts getting downloaded to your DVR (I guess that's what happens) and after 1% of it loads, you start viewing as the content continues to dribble down. But it wasn't working right. We'd get information that never started; or programs that would begin and then shudder to a stop. Two different times Special K had to re-boot his Internet.

And it's too bad because not only is there a lot of interesting stuff out there, but there's also some new interactive potential. I loved exercising along with the program -- it brings out a whole new possibility for what TV is, what the interaction could be and especially new forms of 24HoTV expression.

We finally had to jettison all OD simply because we couldn't trust it. Special K said an off-handed comment that is prophetically on the mark, "We always said that we wanted computers as easy to use as television. What we didn't know would happen was that TVs would become as complicated as computers."

If you live your life like I do and hardly ever watch TV, when you do it just seems to scream commercialism at you. Like putting your head at the back of a jet engine as you fire it up. It's distasteful and repellent. And worse, no one else seems to notice it.

In the past three years, this only seems to have gotten worse. We had repeats of two different infomercials (Special K drew all four of those) and an additional three more as single plays. If you add the three gem shopping sites we hit, along with the channel that pimps you to buy the Playboy channel, that's a full quarter of 24HoTV that is solely dedicated to sales. And this completely excludes commercials in regular programming, which on observation we see to be at about 30% of air time.

That means when we watch 24HoTV for over 12 hours we are being hit exclusively with commercials.

It's a huge proportion and you definitely feel it. Even the OD part of TV isn't like music -- where you can buy the CD and not have to listen to people advertising things at you.

This number is definitely up from 24HoTV1. I don't know if that's due to the current economic uproar, or it's just the trend of commercialism.

Special K showed an unusual amount of weakness this go 'round. He was fatiguing faster and ignoring me quite a bit more (two different times he didn't even ask for comments on the show that we'd been watching, which in theory, is the whole reason we do it in the first place). Infomercials beat him into enough submission that he suggested dropping them from viewing all together. Two different times he muted the sound on the TV and I had to remind him to turn it back on.

I don't know if we got a bad set of random numbers or not, but overall the programming didn't seem as good as the past. We didn't have anything as strangely compelling as Bluetorch, nor any advertising having a sublime cross of downhomeness paired with the over-the-top cheese like that of Gilad.

For me the high points were the gem channels (I really need my brother to sit in with us on those), the Filipino Christians condemming homosexuality and 80's videos; but overall those don't feel as high as the marks we hit last time.

I haven't decided how I feel about the addition of Twitter yet. Suttonhoo and the Fireplace are both big proponents of it and yet it still feels, very much, to me like teenage girls that like to chatter amongst themselves. This whole idea of making side comments to each other that the rest of the public sees lives somewhere on the border of dumb and rude.

We did, however, pick up a few fans that we wouldn't have otherwise had and we got our hash tag in the top 50 for that 24 hours. There's definitely stuff there that I can exploit for future personal projects.

Birdhead's Twitter scraping robot was spectacular. But here too we were thwarted by technology. After we started hitting Blogger hard, we had to answer captcha challenges -- something the robot couldn't handle. We damn near had to jettison it.

Special K apologized and/or thanked me more than a dozen times for participating in 24HoTV2, but I loved it. There's no one else I'd rather do it with -- and it's certainly not something I'd do on my own.

But let me tell you what, if we're on any sort of trend here, in three years the state of TVs going to be pretty sad. They say that TV viewing audience in the US is losing 2% of its viewership every year. I don't know where that viewership is going - I absolutely don't care - but I do know why.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Twitter Comments @26:00 (the end + 2 hr)

Most bizzare part of #24hotv: @Real_Totinos and @pizza_rolls duking it out over 9am pizza roll sponsorship.

Twitter Comments @25:00 (the end + 1 hr)

24hotv is officially over. thank you all for your readership and support. mild changes to will happen. #24hotv
Congratulations to @24HoTVb and @24HoTVS for finishing #24hotv! Doing it again next weekend?
you are ALL in for a world of hurt. #24hotv

Twitter Comments @24:00 (the end)

we enter the last hour of 24hotv2. #24hotv
"malibu makeover in minutes." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Showtime on DirecTV 537 at 23:15 #24hotv
"there are four times as many health care lobbyists as there are members of congress." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: MTV on DirecTV 331 at 23:30 #24hotv
special K is already starting to miss 24hotv as he works on his last review post. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Sprout on DirecTV 295 at 23:45 #24hotv
Only 12 minutes left in 24 Hours of TV. #24hotv
"what do you mean 'really really bendy legs?'" #24hotv
By the way, that was the FINAL channel change announcement of #24hotv.
"i'm all for doing it another way." #24hotv
Are the #24hotv guys still alive?
@joshcarter Possibly. #24hotv
"we need to suck all the air out of everything in our house." momma K #24hotv

24:00 (The Last 15 minutes of 24HoTV2) Channel 295 Sprout "The Hoobs"

I have a good relationship with Noddy, so this has some potential.

It's animation slightly above South Park, with writing that's three steps below. Gerald the Giraffe is talking about jumping -- in a British accent, which is mildly disconcerting.

Now there's some low budget, flourescent, muppett-like things. Also with English accents.

And now we have space alien-like things with funnel heads singing.

And there are repetitive uses of the word "hoob," as in "hoobapedia" and "hoobnet."

It's not good. It's not medium. It's bad.

"How did we manage to miss church services on Sunday?"

- b1

"It's a little too 'inky-inky.'"

- Special K

And we're out. Thanks very much for your readership. It's been great.

A Good Reason to Avoid Children's Programming

23:45 Channel 331 MTV "The Real World"

There's a new Fast & Furious movie coming out. I don't think I'll see that one.

Clearasil commercial. Yep, this is MTV.

TGI Fridays commercial. All the TGI Fridays in the Bay Area closed recently.

"From G's to Gents" commercial. A great reality show.

And now, The Real World. A misnomer indeed. There's nothing real about this show. Most of these people make me sad about the future, but I know so many good kids that I guess we come out ahead.

It's weird to me that I don't know anybody like these people on TV. It's because I live on nerd planet.

B says: "If it was real, the apartment wouldn't be so nice and expensive."

And now, I say good day. Thanks for paying attention, if you did. I'm going to sleep for a few hours, and I'll write more later. I bet.

23:30 Channel 537 Showtime "Sicko"

This is the Michael Moore documentary about the American health system.

This isn't a flick I've seen, but in general I think Moore is overrated. He makes films in a documentary style that are actually more like directed forms of propaganda. He's also not afraid to ham it up for the camera ("Roger in Me" he goes ahead and keeps talking at a microphone even after the lights are turned off -- this is pure work for the camera).

We're running through a quick history of the American health care system, as viewed from the executive branch, starting with Nixon.

Really nice clip of a propaganda film showing the evils of socialized medicine (narrated by pre-Prez Reagan). Complete with doctors having to ride in the back of open pick-up trucks because their towns have too many doctors.

Nice animation of money from health organizations pointing at a series of Republicans walking out on stage.

"My mom quit nursing because of Hillary Clinton."

- b1

"I think Michael Moore shouldn't push so hard. He'd have more credibility."

- Special K

23:15 Channel 359 Fox Business "Guthy-Renker"

Hi, she's Susan Lucci. She's about to show us how to do Pilates, Malibu style.

I am really hating infomercials at this point.

I especially hate the exercise machine infomercials that don't say a word about eating, which is far more important.

I wish we could have Gilad. At least he's entertaining. Not one of these other people has said "buttocks". It's all booty, butt, glutes, even a badonkadonk. C'mon. Say buttocks. I bet they also say "vajayjay".

I would consider banning/limiting infomercials from future instances of 24 Hours of TV.

B says: "It makes me cry when I hear Special K repeatedly ask for the word 'buttocks' and the models fail to comply."

Twitter Comments @23:00

"the scratch has met its match." #24hotv
@24HoTVb Me too. Keep on swimming. #24hotv
"see the hump? see the hump right here?" #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Victoria Wieck Absolute on DirecTV 240 at 22:15 #24hotv
"You can see how dimensional this band ring is." #24hotv
"If you draw 3 perfect circles, you end up with a fourth circle in the middle." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Starz West on DirecTV 520 at 22:30 #24hotv
they're using that famous web search tool: "find online." #24hotv
"i doubt it has anything to do with the plot to assassinate lincoln." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Current on DirecTV 358 at 22:45 #24hotv
"if only child abuse were this easy to recognize." #24hotv
The short shows on Current TV have a little progress bar, which is cool. #24hotv
"18 veterans commit suicide every day." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Fox Business News on DirecTV 359 at 23:00 #24hotv

23:00 Channel 358 Current "War"

"On next ... The current war - Soldier suicides"

This one is going to be a bit heavy. We have traditional problems with hard programs on Sunday mornings.

Interviews with parents who have a kid that (probably) has committed suicide (we just haven't been told yet).

He did, in fact, commit suicide. At the end of the segment we're given a Web site and told we can add our comments or Web cams ... that's right, to help stave off these suicides ... because you and I are highly qualified professionals.

Next segment: Stop loss

Either they explained it fuzzily or I'm really tired, but what they're hinting at is a policy by the US military to keep soldiers longer than their enlistment.

"Why do we always get this really depressing stuff at the end?"

- Special K

"Hard hitting Sunday morning. I'd make a joke but there's nothing reasonably funny here."

- b1

22:45 Channel 521 Starz West "National Treasure: Book of Secrets"

Nicholas Cage again, although I think he's probably better in this one. It's got secrets. It's filled with secrets. I didn't see it and I don't know what the secrets are. They're holding flowers in an elevator. Don't know if that's important or not, but it couldn't hurt at this point to tell you.

He's on a caper. He's eaten a caper. He's very capable. It's like DaVinci Code, only not.

Now there's a car chase and it's all crashy. Mama K.: "I would have thought Mercedes would have better windows."

They're smart in this movie, but I'm more tired than they are smart.

22:30 Channel 240 Home Shopping Network "Victoria Wieck Absolute"

Yes! Another gem shopping channel!

"That is a pretty watch. Buy me that."

- Momma K

"In the old days ... of Europe ... you had to kill Jews to get a watch."

- Special K [ed: yes, he is]

"Jewelry channels pump me up. I'm good to go the rest of the way.

- b1

The Expressions of a Bracelet Saleswoman

It's Very Hard to Make Shadow Puppets with Jewelry on

This Woman Wants You to Buy a Ring

This Woman Wants to Sell You a Watch

22:15 Sportsman Channel "Flats Class"

Of all the shows on TV, the last one I would watch might be a fishing show. And so now, near the end of 24 Hours of TV, I get one. Guys are in the Amazon, on the Rio Negro, fishing. They're having a great time.

Some guy on the commercial is YELLING! STOP YELLING!

On the web he does the same commercial in Spanish. SOY BILL MAYS DE FIXIT! STOP YELLING!

This is not a good show to stay awake to right now.

Back on the Amazon, the fish are very strangely colored. I believe this is because of Indiana Jones.

B says: "Professional fisherman always overestimate the weight of their fish as they reel them in. Too much sun bakes the weighing portion of their head."

22:00 Channel DirecTV Sports Schedule

This is an automated channel that rolls the different sports stuff you can see. It's exactly 1/8th of one step above being a "cheater radio station."

NHL Center Ice
NBA League Pass

Music playing in the background:
Plain White T's, "Hey There Delilah"
Theory of a Deadman, "Not Meant to Be"
The Wreckers, "Leave the Pieces"
Maroon 5, "Makes Me Wonder"
Liz Phair, "Why Can't I?"

"Heyyyy hey."

- Special K

"I feel fully informed."

- b1

Twitter Comments @22:00

"every guy on the second stage at ozzfest looks like they work at kinko's during the day." #24hotv
"i don't feel like i've worked for 24 years." #24hotv
why do they have an ad for skin cream during the heavy metal show? #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Encore on DirecTV 526 at 21:15 #24hotv
"He's this crazy Imperial Guard that I met." #24hotv
Hi everyone. Hope I can get your help. @real_tostinos is an impostor. #24hotv
"we're men, we're not pinatas." #24hotv
Please be advised: don't give any personal info to @real_tostinos - he/she is an impostor. #24hotv
"slaves have no honor." #24hotv
@pizza_rolls Aha! #24hotv
@pizza_rolls uh - who's the impostor? We've alerted Twitter Fraud Protection. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: NFL on DirecTV 212 at 21:30 #24hotv
"sunday started with god, and it ended with god." #24hotv
"wood finishing projects can feel too big to tackle." #24hotv
I think we're almost out of energy. But not out of fun or adventure. #24hotv
"if it moves, it's TV." -- Special K #24hotv
Channel change announcement: DirecTV Sports Schedule on DirecTV 488 at 21:45 #24hotv
i''m flickering in and out of sleep. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Sportsman Channel on DirecTV 605 at 22:00 #24hotv

21:45 NFL Channel "Top 10 Clutch Quarterbacks"

Tough to compare players from different eras. They're at 5, and they've chosen Johnny Unitas. Yeah, he was good. They show the Colts playing at Memorial Stadium. I saw a baseball game there once.

They have Roger Staubach at number 4. So far, I have no arguments.

Just killing time now before they say who number 3 is. Looks like Tom Brady.

I won't get to know the top 2. It's the awesomeness of 24 Hours of TV again.

B says: "I didn't pay attention to football quarterbacks as a kid, I don't pay attention to them as an adult."

21:30 Channel 526 Encore "Shanghai Noon"

Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan in the old West.

This was a movie that was made pre-Owen-Wilson-suicide-attempt. It's had to say whether this production was contributing or not, but seeing Jackie Chan with a pony tail makes me consider offing myself (or maybe Special K as a poor man's second).

But wait! Jackie Chan gets his ponytail cut off.

Owen Wilson gets shot off a hangman's noose as Aerosmith plays.

"I'm glad I never paid a cent to see this."

- b1

"I don't get Owen Wilson. Is that his name, Owen Wilson? Yeah, I don't get him."

- Special K

21:15 VH1 Classic "That Metal Show"

Three guys talking about the resurgence of heavy metal. Really? And the shows are cooler in Europe. Probably. One guy is Jim Florentine, who has a great gravelly voice. Their first guest is out, somebody from Anthrax. He keeps swearing and they keep bleeping. I lack the capacity to tell what he's saying right now.

Commercial for new movie: I Love You, Man. Looks horrible, despite presence of Lou Ferrigno in it.

B1 says: "I want to put this guy in an envelope and mail him to a U.S. Senator."

Twitter Comments @21:00

Channel change announcement: Showtime Extreme on DirecTV 542 at 20:00 #24hotv
special k just referred to an unseen shooter as "mr. shooty gunbang." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Order Mega March Madness on DirecTV 109 at 20:15 #24hotv
Updated channel change announcement: Fox Soccer Channel on DirecTV 619 at 20:15 #24hotv
@joshcarter Good morning, sir. Your robot is functioning like a champ. #24hotv
"you can see the quality oozing out of this guy." #24hotv
"terrible miss from kaka!" #24hotv
"goal for macaroni!" #24hotv
Funny. A real (awake) geek would have nailed the correct answer immediately. @szetela Don Twickles? #24hotv (via @24HoTVS)
@24HoTVb obvious to anyone under your age: Tweet the damn Blogger url now and then. #24hotv
24 Hours of TV. Read all about it at . #24hotv. Free or your money back.
24 Hours of TV. Read all about it at http// . #24hotv. Free or your money back.
24 Hours of TV. Read all about it at #24hotv. Free or your money back. Yeah, I'm tired.
Channel change announcement: KPIX-TV on DirecTV 5 at 20:45 #24hotv
"this is america." #24hotv
"we have no choice but to help the auto companies.' #24hotv
"fairness has left the building." #24hotv
"we're going to have to spend a lot more to get those toxic assets resolved." #24hotv
@24hotvs did u get this? With pleasure! Not sure I can actually arrange this - but DM me your address and I'll try to cab 'em over. #24hotv
"what about the geopolitical aspects of all of this?" #24hotv
"how can rice production in india affect wheat production in the US?" #24hotv
"because we can't buy as much as we used to, we're not throwing away as much as we used to." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: VH1 Classic on DirecTV 337 at 21:00 #24hotv

21:00 Channel 5 KPIX "Face the Nation"

Interview with Lawrence Summers, director of the National Economic Council.

Bob Schieffer is starting to look like an aged version of the Wizard in Oz.

"I'm hearing lots and lots of talk about econogeddon(sm)."

- b1

"I'm too tired to face the nation is what I wanna say."

- Special K

20:45 Channel 219 Euro, Shopping

What's the difference between an infomercial and a selling channel. O ho, we're about to find out. Or ignore it, like I did.

Except no! It's Dean "Dong, the Witch is Dead" Graziosi again, with his advice for making a fortune in real estate. This is so bad I might nap during the show. And I might not even notice.

Stop wagging your finger at me, "Dean". If that is your real name.

Read his mixed reviews here: .

The more he talks, the more I want to sleep...sleep...sleep. Tom Vu would kick his ass. You are loser!

B says: "Instead of watching the infomercial, I read the Who Wants To Be a Superhero comic, leftover work from a previous show." I impress myself with my own geek cred for owning (and quickly finding) the comic.

20:30 Channel Fox Soccer Channel "Italian Serie A Soccer"

Siena vs. Milan

Group singing Euros playing their favorite game. The score is 3-nil Milan, which means it's a slaughter and we're just plugging time.


"Now I know what it means to play like Kaka."

- b1

"This is the worst soccer announcer in the world. 'Oh, a goal.' I hate him."

- Special K

A Man Named Kaka

20:15 Channel 542 Showtime Extreme "Casino Royale"

We're getting a bit from near the end of the movie here (which I've never seen). Bond is trying to revive a beautiful but mostly drowned girl and her nipples. A sinister guy is watching. It's Sean Connery: he wants his career back. Hahahahaha! J/k.

The last movie I saw Daniel Craig in, Defiance, he had a Polish accent. Not this time.

I'm a fan of the jokey Casino Royale with Woody Allen et al from a million years ago.

Bond shoots a guy, and roll credits. Mildly amusing. And we just completed our 20th hour, and we're more tired than the dog.

B says: "I'm sorry we saw the last 15 minutes. I wish we had seen the first 15 minutes." Very clever.

Twitter Comments @20:00

"have a piece of toast with some turbo jam." jewnior K #24hot7
Channel change announcement: Science on DirecTV 284 at 19:15 #24hotv
"it's more than just a TV show, at this moment." #24hotv
special K has passed out. #24hotv
"huge rubber gaskets are used to form a perfect seal." #24hotv
"like all revolutionary ideas, the submerged floating tunnel has run into skepticism." #24hotv
"what would prevent such a long floating tunnel from floating away?" #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Logo on DirecTV 272 at 19:30 #24hotv
"MTV Networks' Logo is for gay and lesbian viewers and features an entertainment library of hi movies, comedy and new series." #24hotv
"yes, even on the gay channel, they have stupid stuff." jewnior K #24hotv
"your samurai peeler turns into a mandolin slicer." #24hotv
And I'm back. Another 12 minute nap. #24hotv
i wanna boatel. #24hotv
Time for another plate of PRs? Maybe you'll get one of our 18-packs! RT @24HoTVS: And I'm back. Another 12 minute nap. #24hotv
@Real_Totinos We'll take a free bag, for the publicity. Thanks. #24hotv
"see those 2 men dancing together - they're homosexuals." "what about those 2 women?" "they're lithuanians." #24hotv
@24HoTVS With pleasure! Not sure I can actually arrange this - but DM me your address and I'll try to cab 'em over. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: HD Theater on DirecTV 281 at 19:45 #24hotv
@Real_Totinos Great. That's pepperoni, now. #24hotv
If you bought a private island, because you're rich and reclusive, why would you then go on TV and talk about it? #24hotv

20:00 Channel 281 HD Theater "Mecum Auto Actions Evergreen"

High-def car auctions. Big-time car porn.

GTOs, Galaxies, Mercedes. Running from 50 grand, right on up to a cool million.

"None of those cars are guaranteed for life. Mine is."

- b1

"Why is there a car auction when it's called 'HD Theatre?'"

- Special K

19:45 Channel 272 Logo "When Ocean Meets Sky"

Our first venture to the Gay and Lesbian channel. It's a documentary. But first it's the "Samurai Peeler" commercial. The chef has a funny hat and a little red tie thingie.

So far it's the too-many-frickin'-commercials channel.

It's the history of Fire Island Pines. It's a beach where a lot of gay people vacation. A bad storm in 1962 destroyed a lot of houses.

In the 50s it was illegal for two men to dance with each other. Another brilliant law. So they had one girl dancing "with" a hundred men.

B says: "They should have a special channel just for heterosexuals."

19:30 Channel 284 Science Channel "Extreme Engineering"

Fairly in-depth discussion of underwater tunnels -- including "submerged floating tunnels."

"The concept of a trans-Atlantic tunnel sounds like crazy-talk. Even those turbo jam chicks couldn't pull it off."

- b1


- Special K

19:15 Channel 662 STO "Turbo Jam"

Turbo Jam is hand weights and gloves you exercise with. It makes your body perfect, quickly. No need to eat right, or at all. Be sure to purchase lots of clothes that expose your body because you will need them. For women, your breasts will also enlarge.

"I know I'll never be heavy again." No, you don't know that. Good luck to you.

I am fat and bitter, but I'm sweet too. I am most of the major food groups.

Jewnior K: "Have a piece of toast with your Turbo Jam".

b says: "This is more porny than Busty Models."

19:00 Channel 502 HBO2 "10,000 B.C"

Primitive humans and saber tooth animals.

"We're tired enough that our communication skills are roughly equal with cavemen."

- b1

"That's a big damn tiger. And. That's all."

- Special K

Twitter Comments @19:00

The traditional magic 6 AM pizza rolls, said to have restorative powers.
Secret of Totino's Pizza Rolls: the box always says there are 15 inside. And there are always 16 inside. Good show, Totino's. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Univision San Francisco on DirecTV 14 at 18:15 #24hotv
@szetela A world of fun and trauma. But it's all there in the blog. #24hotv
"llame sin cargo ya!" #24hotv
Channel change announcement: KICU-TV on DirecTV 36 at 18:30 #24hotv
@24HoTVb somebody over there seems to be building a john-harlan-sized, fatigue-fueled aggressive streak, hmmm? #24hotv
"this is a scraper blade on the multi-master."
"do all home improvement guys need to have a moustache?" jewnior K #24hotv
"this tool works as good as they say." #24hotv
"the E-cut blade is perfect for cutting wood or metal." #24hotv
The longer we go, the harder spelling gets. #24hotv
"if you don't absolutely love your multi-master, send it back." #24h
"that's rock hard grout." #24hotv
@24HoTVb last year, did you find out about the dead celebs DURING #24hotv - or after?
It's getting light out. Another small victory. #24hotv
@24HoTVS guys - here's a contest you CAN win - play while watching: #24hotv (h/t @guykawasaki )
a guy on here just said, "i am banku." "banku" means "fart" in vietnamese. i kid you not. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: HBO 2 on DirecTV 502 at 18:45 #24hotv
@24HoTV Hi, guys! A friend just tipped me off to your "show" Good on ya! How can I help? #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Sports Time Ohio on DirecTV 662 at 19:00 #24hotv

18:45 Channel 36 KICU-TV: "Home Improvement Ideas"

Power tools. YEAUGHHHH BABY! (I thought it was gonna be Home Improvement, the sitcom.)

The powerful Multimaster doesn't spin or reciprocate. It OSCILLATES, BITCHES!

I once ate at Burgermaster, a famous drive-in in Bellevue, Washington. But I have not seen a Multimaster.

She's removing grout. "I mean that's all the way down." She looks like a dental hygienist gone mad.

These power tools are awfully loud for 6:30 AM. Face it: it's morning.

Now they're cutting up the baseboard. And the drywall. You could probably reduce your house to twigs in like an hour with this thing. But do they tell you that? Nooooooooo.

B says: "David Thiel (the guy who tests tools) looks like the kind of guy who tests tools."

B adds: "They should add the ability to put a worm on a fishhook, and then it would be the 'Multimaster Baiter'"

18:30 Channel 14 Univision 14, San Francisco "Tu Desayuno Alegre"

Spanish language videos.

Belanova "One, Two, Three, Go"
{Essentially she's the spanish Gwen Stefani.}

Los Tucanes de Tijuana

The music is pretty good, but there're LONG lags between songs.

"Salsa with my pizza rolls. Yum."

- b1

"Muy bueno. Mi desayuno de pizza rolls es muy bueno."

- Especial K

18:15 Channel 268 Interactive Response: "Healing Foods"

Yeah, it's the Jack LaLanne juicer again. Just when we thought we were out of infomercial hell.

Jack says "I'm so doggone excited about this, I can hardly sleep at night." This time I note that the infomercial is 3 years old. Here, he's a babe of 91, but in the real world, he's 94.

"Celebrity host" Forbes Mill or something: "It has to taste good or I'm not going to drink it." Oh, you'll drink it. You'll drink it and you'll say THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER. Insolent woman.

The ad says the juicer is "whisper quiet". But when they run the thing it screams like a banshee. Not that I have ever heard a banshee scream.

They actually use the expression "But wait, there's more!" Like an earlier-day Steve Jobs.

B1 says: "I'm fatigued. I need to be juiced." And he lays down.

Twitter Comments @18:00

Channel change announcement: Starz on DirecTV 520 at 17:00 #24hotv
@24HoTVb And we're back. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: The Movie Channel West on DirecTV 545 at 17:15 #24hotv
"out walking for scoliosis again?" 24hotv
Channel change announcement: DirecTV Basics on DirecTV 201 at 17:30 #24hotv
Fatigue is hitting me hard now. Really counting on those pizza rolls. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: TNT on DirecTV 245 at 17:45 #24hotv
the dog sat on the remote control. #24hotv
@24HoTVb The downside of an RF-remote is that the dog can turn the TV off. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Interactive Response TV on DirecTV 268 at 18:00 #24hotv

18:00 Channel 245 TNT "Absolute Power"

Another Clint Eastwood movie. Eastwood and Hackman.

I've seen this movie. It's good, but I don't remember it very well because my girlfriend at the time kept bitching to me about it.

Eastwood is a thief and sees a woman try to stab the President with a letter opener. She, in turn, gets shot by the Secret Service. Not one of Eastwood's best, but not his worst by a long shot.

"Eastwood is always better when his characters have no name."

- b1

"I'm making pizza rolls."

- Special K

17:45 Channel 201 DirecTV Basics

This the fundamental DirecTV tech support channel. Nobody writes docs any more. Although they actually did give us a manual with the DVR. I guess they figure nobody reads it.

Light techno in the background makes this easier to swallow.

The best DirecTV tech support I've gotten is via Twitter. The phone reps are often frustrating to deal with on common issues like outages and screwed up sports blackouts, although they're certainly nice.

We always wanted to make computers as easy to use as TV. But it would have been nice to make the computers easier rather than making TV harder.

It's the classic blunder. He's explaining how to fix your satellite if it's not working. But of course, if it's not working, you can't see his explanation.

Werewolves howl in the background of their tutorial. This is designed to frighten you into never calling them for help. Psychologically. Proven by U. S. Army experiments.

B says: "Very good technical support tutorials that people will probably never watch."

17:30 Channel 545 - The Movie Channel West "Superstar"

A Molly Shannon/Will Ferrell comedy. Dammit.

About line dancers.

I'll bet you ANYTHING this leads into a smell your armpits joke. I hated these people on Saturday Night Live -- they're worse now that they're big.

"Special K keeps laughing at this stupid movie. I feel like a-punchin'. At least I didn't have to see her smell her pits."

- b1

"This was during a time that I never watched SNL. This reinforces that decision."

- Special K

17:15 Channel 520 Starz "The Game Plan"

Cute movie with Dwayne Johnson (AKA The Rock) as a football star who (stop me if you've heard this one before) suddenly has to tone down his lifestyle and take care of a little girl. In the opening scene, he uses a juicer, thus continuing our bizarre trend of one show referencing another.

I liked The Rock when he wrestled. I like him now as an actor with a real name. He's charming and can also break your arms.

This is an OK movie to see if you have to see a movie with your kids.

I just napped for about 12 minutes and it has refreshed me somewhat.

Soon it might be time for the traditional early morning pizza rolls.

B1 says: "I don't want a piece of The Rock."

Twitter Comments @17:00

Channel change announcement: Cable Response TV on DirecTV 314 at 16:15 #24hotv
"extensive research confirms arthritis can be healed." #24hotv
"I was like a cripple." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: KPIX-TV on DirecTV 5 at 16:30 #24hotv
"stop letting the banks and the lenders take away your hard earned money." #24hotv
"when i was 16 ... i started juicing and the rest is history." jack lalane #24hotv
"the benefits of juicing for pregnant women are endless." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Noggin on DirecTV 301 at 16:45 #24hotv
"i am a sleepy piglet." 24hotv
Special K has checked out. #24hotv

17:00 Channel 301 Noggin "Blue's Clues"

A cartoon blue dog that bark-howls to tunes and a young adult that wears a pig nose. They're trying to solve some kind of mystery that I don't understand.

"'Blues' is a bad name for a dog that seems to have no soul and is way too happy."

Special K says, "The other day I found and threw away a notebook," and instantly falls asleep.

This Person Sometimes Wears a Pig Nose

16:45 Channel 5 KPIX-TV: "Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer"

Jack LaLanne is still alive. What more evidence do you need? Jack is 94 years old.

Featuring "celebrity host" Forbes Riley. That is her name, you see. According to Wikipedia, she's in infomercials for Aerobed, Microgrill, MaxiGlide Hair Straightner and Mor furniture stores.

Now, here's Jack LaLanne, and his wife, wait for it, Elaine LaLanne. He seems pretty sharp still.

"When I started juicing, I was a weak kid." I think Barry Bonds said the same thing.

I wonder if Jack could stay up all night watching 24 hours of TV. If so, he could probably kick my ass at the end of it.

That juicer is incredibly loud. It sounds like an entire herd of cats being chainsawed.

B says: "I agree with Sal Metameci, Optometrist. I think juicing's a great idea."

16:30 Channel 314 Cable Response TV "Relieve Joint Pain"

Infomercial with fake Larry King background.

They're pimping a drink called "Supple."

"When I was a kid, and thought about the future, it never occurred to me that there would be snake oil salesmen."

- b1

"The host looks and sounds a lot like Larry King." [ed: She's a small person of some persuasion like the Indian subcontinent.]

- Special K

"Results will vary."

- Supple Beverages, LLC

16:15 Channel 337 VH1 Classic: "Totally 80s"

Now here's a channel I could watch all night, or until I fell asleep, whichever came first. It's nothing but 80s videos. First up are young Mick Jagger and the Boys doing Start Me Up. Very basic, just Mick dancing around while the band plays their instruments. Even Charlie Watts looks young.

Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne, Close My Eyes Forever. Ozzy only looks about half-gone at this point. I don't remember this song at all. B1 says he does. Doesn't sound like a great song. Oh, the 80s hair! Scary Ozzie close-ups at the end.

Kenny Loggins, Footloose. With scenes from the movie. Kevin Bacon is VERY FRUSTRATED. Also in the movie: Lord John Whorfin. Did Bacon really do all this fancy dancing and flying? A lot of the dancing has not aged well.

B1 says: "People who think 80s music rules haven't given a good listen to 70s music."

Twitter Comments @16:00

Channel change announcement: Hallmark Channel on DirecTV 312 at 3:00 #24hotv
i've just passed special K a long set of channel changes. i may pass out for a bit. #24hotv
He's in the ruins of Corazine. Didn't he used to play for the Pistons? #24hotv
I'm very tired but am experiencing a slight updraft at the moment. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: HBO2 on DirecTV 502 at 3:15 #24hotv
"The word 'dinosaur' is a brand new word." #24hotv
Anyone within the sound of my voice, say hello. We're having a blast, but it's dark in the night now. #24hotv
"when god needs a laugh, he comes to me." #24hotv
"do you think the holy spirit is in this burger king parking lot?" #24hotv
Channel change announcement: C-Span 2 on DirecTV 351 at 15:30 #24hotv
I've gotten a bunch of those nasty Blogger capchas right in a row. The pressure mounts. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: KFTY-TV on DirecTV 50 at 15:45 #24hotv
Only 8 hours left, #24hotv, hang in there!
"there's no down side to trying sheer cover, right now." #24hotv
@pmb777 Thanks. We could use some good TV right about now. The night is thick with religious hokum and bad infomercials. #24hotv
"It's not going to rub off on your clothes or your boyfriend." #24hotv
Just broke out the Ocean Spray Diet Cranberry-Grape drink. #24hotv
"I didn't think about bringing makeup out to Iraq." -- Woman soldier on makeup infomercial. #24hotv
"with sheer cover, i feel like i'm walking out of a magazine." #24hotv
Good news: so far, no reports of beloved TV figures dying during 24 Hours of TV (unlike last time). We hope the curse has been lifted.
Channel change announcement: VH1 Classic on DirecTV 337 at 16:00 #24hotv

16:00 Channel 50 KFTY San Francisco "Leeza Gibbons Sheer Cover"

Infomercial for stuff you put on your face.

"I lived in the UK for two years. When I moved back, Americans had invented infomercials and I didn't know it ... I was looking at TV when I moved back (because I was traveling) and saw two classic infomercials (the burning car wax and the spray paint hair) back-to-back ... And I thought, 'my homeland has lost its mind.'"

- b1

"Is 'merkin' a slang term for vagina? I'll bet you it is."

- Special K

15:45 Channel 351 C-Span 2: "Book TV"

Richard Perle is talking. He's a Fellow of the American Enterprise Institute. He's a neoconservative. According to Wikipedia, he supports first strikes on North Korean and Iranian nuclear facilities. On C-Span, he's not so interesting.

He has a red tie. He looks over his glasses. Just take 'em off, Richard. (Eventually he did.)

He went to school with Mike Farrell and Ricky Nelson but did not become a teen idol or liberal actor.

I would like to change the channel now, please. What's that? I can't? Once again: the inscrutable genius of 24 Hours of TV.

B1 says: "Richard Perle looks like a poor man's John Houseman."

15:30 Channel 502 HBO2 "Friends of God: A Road Trip with Alexandra Pelosi

A little frightening. They're showing, quite literally, adults brainwashing kids into thinking that there's no such thing as evolution and only creation.

Followed by a conservative Christian comedian.

"There's a guy that homeschools his ten kids because he wants them to know the truth. The truth must be something just one person can teach."

- b1

"People scare me."

- Special K

15:15 Channel 312 Hallmark: "World Impact"

Billy Wilson in the Holy Land to visit some cities that rejected Jesus Christ. Guess what happened to them. Did you guess that they were wiped out? CO-RRECT! He believes that God is going to minister to your heart today. He said that twice. I like his nice shirt.

Hey! Snuggie commercial!

So nice that so many of these folks want to tell me what I should believe, out of concern for my soul. So thoughtful.

This guy is telling us that 3 cities near Lake Kinneret (that's the Sea of Galilee to you) rejected Jesus, who judged against them, and so apparently bad things happened to them. As my brother would say, that's not very nice.

Hey! Crest SpinBrush Pro commercial! I bet they don't advertise the Trojan Vibrator on this show.

B says: "I need a Snuggie." And then passes out.

And now, we must leave Billy Wilson behind, having failed to learn the exact fate of the cities. Damn. (Oh, maybe that was the fate.)

Twitter Comments @3:00

"it's time to go ballistic." #24hotv
"one solution: the flaming pig." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Starz East on DirecTV 520 at 2:15 #24hotv
Channel change announcement: HBO2 West on DirecTV 505 at 2:30 #24hotv
Channel change announcement: The 101 on DirecTV 101 at 2:45 #24hotv

15:00 Channel 101 The 101 "Havoc on the 101"

Some crazy crazy channel.

There's death metal playing in the background with a video playing in a portion of the screen. And, as hard as it is to believe, we have serendipity once again -- the main character is, that's right, a predator, like from the movie, like what we just saw.

Around the death metal video there's some chat.

I try texting the message # on the screen, but it's $1 to TXT and $0.49 to vote. Uh, no.

Christ, I give up ... I'll post an image and let you figure it out.

"I've been seeing a lot of predators lately."

-- b1

"If I were younger, my head would explode.

-- Special K

Havoc on the 101

You figure it out. I'll be damned if I can.

14:45 Channel 505 HBO2 West: "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem"

I saw Alien and Aliens. Never saw a Predator movie. Never saw an AVP movie. Just so you know. But in general I think crossovers are cool. I remember the old Marvel-DC crossovers, like Superman vs. Spider-Man (with great Neal Adams art) and so on.

I guess this is the Alien planet we're seeing. Everything is very goopy and makes squishy noises. Like other Alien movies, I find this one dark (as in not enough light) and kinda hard to see what's going on. Plus I'm getting pretty tired.

We're hoping it starts quick, but it's not starting too quick yet. Uh oh. Alien just killed Hunting Dad. And now Hunting Kid too.

Now it looks like some shenanigans on Predator planet. It's much less goopy there. Easier on the shoes, I'll wager. Who wants to wager?

This one takes place in Gunnison County, Colorado. So we both pay attention to that, since we're from Colorado. But I've never been to Gunnison County.

Alien vs. Predator. Jeez. Can't we all just get along?

B says: "Super monsters duking it out isn't as scary if you don't know the background of one of them."

14:30 Channel 520 Starz HD: "Prom Night"

Teen slasher film with the average woman looking both considerably better and considerably older than the girls at my high school.

Two murders in the 15 minutes we watched.

"This movie scares me because all the girls do is spend all their time talking about relationships. It's too real."

- b1

"This is some of the worst acting I've seen in awhile. Acting this bad deserves to be choked to death."

- Special K

2:15 287 -- Military Channel


"It's time to go ballistic!" All about using fire as a weapon. Yeah, buddy!

FIre is also a defensive weapon. The Dragon anti-mine device melts mines in the ground.

Lovely footage of some bald guy getting burned at the stake.

This is one of those "reenactment" shows. Fake cavemen scaring animals with torches. Fake Romans sending a flaming pig into the rebel forces. No, really: a flaming pig.

A really creepy guy is talking about historical use of fire in warfare. I don't want to meet him.

Allstate commercial with Dennis Haysbert, aka President David Palmer from 24 (the TV show, not Hours of TV).

Trojan vibrator commercial on now. Giggle giggle titter. "Don't worry ladies, you can get it online!"

B1 says: "The next time I have a problem at work, I'm going to try to solve it using the flaming pig."

Twitter Comments @2:00

Channel change announcement: FSN Pittsburgh on DirecTV 659 at 1:00 #24hotv
chuck norris is 68 years old! #24hotv
"you can pulse it, to get in there really deep." -- christie brinkley #24hotv
We're making content. I love the content we're making. #24hotv
i think i'm getting tired. all these people look a little bit sexy. #24hotv
"you can't do that on the kayak." Christie Brinkley #24hotv
"is tia carrera's specialty to be the girlfriend of losers in loser movies?" Special K #24hotv
Channel change announcement: TBS on DirecTV 247 at 1:15 #24hotv
In solidarity, I'm doing 24 hours of Netflix Watch Instantly. #24hotv
Channel change announcement: MLB Network on DirecTV 213 at 1:30 #24hotv
Channel change announcement: DirecTV PPV Previews on DirecTV 500 at 1:45 #24hotv
@keithrollin Thanks? #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Military Channel on DirecTV 287 at 2:00 #24hotv

14:00 Channel 500 DTV: Pay Per View Previews

A channel that is exactly as advertised -- it's previews of the pay-per-view shows.

Previews we see:

Head Case
Party Down
UFC '96
TNA presents Destination X
Saw V
Khan vs. Barrera
The Secret Life of Bees
Lakeview Terrace
Brideshead Revisited
Swing Vote
Sex Drive
Zack & Miri [they dropped "Make a Porno"]
SXSW '09
Watchmen Motion Comics
Body of Lies
Soul Men
Rodeo Houston Semi-Finals
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Pineapple Express

13 minute cycle. It took a long time to repeat.

"A surprisingly good channel -- especially this late. It moves right along and if I ever considered buying something (and I wouldn't, I won't even pay for TV), I'd definitely appreciate being able to check stuff out here first."

- b1

"I don't want to see that movie. I don't know what it is."

-- Special K

1:45 659 -- MLB Network

"Dodger Blue"

It's a show all about the super history of the super duper Dodgers. Shoot me now.

They start with the 1955 World Series, when the Dodgers finally beat the Yankees. Nice shots of Roger Craig, Don Newcombe, Vin Sculley, et al. My grandparents went to all 7 games of that series at Yankee Stadium and Ebbets Field. The Dodgers should have stayed in Brooklyn. That would have been awesome. :)

Great old shots of the Dodgers playing at the L.A. Coliseum in 1959. 92,000+ people for each World Series game. Dodgers won their first L.A. Series that year. Bastards.

B says: "I find the old photos of New York surprisingly interesting."

13:30 Channel 247 TBS: "Jury Duty"

A Pauly Shore movie.

The immediate reaction of half the people in the room was "I think I might have to go to bed now."

A ratty little dog is trying to save Tia Carrera and Pauly Shore from an environmentally insane Stanley Tucci.

"Terrible. But I'm tired enough now that it doesn't bother me."

-- b1

"It's about, uh, Tia Carrera."

-- Special K

1:15 659 -- FSN Pittsburgh

Paid programming: "Total Gym"

Starring Christie Brinkley and Chuck Norris. Christie says that nothing slows her down. Then there's lots of testimonials from people who lost 80 million pounds with this. Nobody talks about their eating. Fine print says "results not typical". So, another scam. TV consists primarily of scams, Spanish, and hockey.

You must have a tattoo to use this device.

Christie: we ridicule because we love.

Christie Brinkley is not related to David Brinkley, but she is a 3rd cousin to Chet Huntley.

B1 says: "When I see Chuck Norris talk about fitness, I miss Gilad."

Twitter Comments @1:00

We're halfway there. It's so much fun, we're thinking of going for 48 hours. #24hotv
24hotv2 is half over. #24hotv
special K sez, "If I met him I'd say, 'Tan Phan Hoc...a loogie?" #24hotv
"you know, i don't think ... i don't think ... oh forget it, it'll take too long to say!" -- Special K #24hotv
Special K, "Fee, fie, foe tan...<breaks into peals of laughter>" #24hotv
Channel change announcement: GEM Shopping Network on DirecTV 228 at 12:15 #24hotv
"It's the only one of its kind in the world." Thank God, because it's incredibly ugly. #24hotv
"i've learned tonight that TV consists of scams, spanish and hockey." Special K #24HoTV
The dude on GEM is talking to B1 on the air RIGHT NOW. #24hotv
"i don't mind keeping demantoid garnets in here." #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Cable Response Channel on DirecTV 243 at 12:30 #24hotv
Channel change announcement: NBA TV on DirecTV 601 at 12:45 #24hot
Just passed through silly phase. Now entering tired phase. #24hotv

13:00 Channel 601 NBATV: "NBA GameTime"

Basketball talk show.

"Last I remember, basketball was something you played, not something you talked about in a suit."

- b1

"I'm gonna be hearing this music for weeks I'm afraid. 'Cuz it doesn't even vary that much, I'm afraid."

- Special K

Dennis Romulan

(compare by looking at this post.)

12:45 243 -- Cable Response Channel

Real Estate Expert Dean Graziosi tells you how to make money. Shut off the phone, shut off the Internet, and listen to me!

Author of "Be A Real Estate Millionaire". Sold over 250,000 copies. His next book will be called "Be A Book Millionaire".

This is bizarrely edited. They've cut around the changes in the economy, notes B1.

He keeps saying these are people "just like me". They are not like me. They are morans. Get a brain.

B1 says: "If he's the Dean, I want to talk to the President."

12:30 Channel 228 Gem Shopping Network "Asian Collectibles with Max"

Man, I LOVE the Gem network for 24HoTV. We should have 24 Hours of Gem some time.


"i've died and gone to the emerald city."

- b1

"I'm worried that Max will be sad that you didn't call back and bid on your item."

- Special K

Not My Gem

12:15 357 -- CNBC World

"Managing Asia"

An Asian guy with a British accent interviews an Asian guy with an Asian accent. About some business. Boring as hell. I'm waiting for something interesting to happen so I can tell you.

This is one of those shows that's 5 minutes in and feels like an hour already.

The guy's English is bad enough that they periodically have to post subtitles so you know what the hell he said.

Something something something about a tractor something. Be happy you don't have to watch this.

B says: "I have a statement. If I started an Asian B-52s, I'd hire Tan Pheng Hockaloogie."

Twitter Comments @12:00

"death by dog is brutal man! brutal!" #24hotv
dog dives through glass. special K: "how much is that doggy in the window?" #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Telefutura on DirecTV 66 at 11:15 #24hotv
"gracias time shares only!" #24hotv
i've never seen clint eastwood wear a white cowboy hat. #24hotv
i ask momma k, "is this a real cactus? it looks plastic." she says, "it is plastic." i say, "that would explain it." #24hotv
is that a gun, or are you just unhappy to see me? #24hotv
Channel change announcement: Fuse on DirecTV 339 at 11:30 #24hotv
#24hotv My brain would melt if I did this:
me, "you got a good channel? i hate that." k, "it evens out." me, "i got hockey 3 times!" k, "oh." #24hotv
the biggest grossing tour of all time was the rolling stones' '06 "bigger bang tour." US $425M #24hotv
Channel change announcement: KBCW San Francisco on DirecTV 44 at 11:45 #24hotv
"your boss was into some pretty shifty stuff." #24hotv
@pmb777 Our brains will melt as well. That's part of the fun. #24hotv
"i was born to be a firefighter." #24htov
Channel change announcement: CNBC World on DirecTV 357 at 12:00 #24hotv